On the contrary, when this guy drinks warm milk he goes FUCKIN BANANAS!
6 Ancillary Benefits of Wearing Headphones While Commuting in NYC
We all know that the primary reason for wearing headphones is so you can listen to your music while not revealing to others that you love Ace of Base and whatever new EMO vampire teen music is popular at the moment. The people of NYC won’t be caught DEAD without their iPod while they’re commuting on subways, buses, and streets.
Of course, passing the time with your favorite song BLASTING is a pastime of any urban denizen. But there are other ancillary benefits of wearing headphones while in LOLnyc. Such as…
1) Ignoring the bums and hobos that ask you for change without looking like a rude dickcock
2) Acting oblivious to the Environmental Activist douchebags standing in front of Whole Foods who try to get you to listen to them say “bro, do you want to save the environment bro?” No, you idiot but you can though. First thing you can do is to STOP handing out PAPER FUCKIN PAMPHLETS that people immediately litter.
3) Drowning out the steel drum bands that play their shitty original music in the major subway hubs
4) To muffle the fat lady who’s disregarding her 7 babies who won’t stop crying because they haven’t anything but street meat and Ecto Cooler for the last week.
5) So you can show the hot girl/guy next to you on the subway that your sensitive by blasting Jack Johnson and other emo bonfire rock music.
6) To not only mitigate the disgusting sound of the guy smacking his lips eating greasy chicken wings but also the sound of the chicken wing bones hitting the ground after he throws them under his seat because he’s a piece of shit.
Any other benefits of wearing headphones while commuting in NYC?
Some of us concrete jungle inhabitants have been auspicious enough to see this tiny yet talented Michael Jackson impostor in our underground transportation hubs. Whether he’s moonwalking or sliding on two knees, this little critter knows how to put on a subterranean show.
Some aren’t so serendipitous however, and that is precisely why LOLnyc was created. So if there is a vertically challenged 80’s pop star impostor gettin it on, YOU don’t miss it.
Residents of NYC typically make a mass exodus during the summer months.
For most of us, its the hot garbage aromas, odd foreign travelers from far away lands, and the allure of beaches filled with sandy bottoms that congest expressways and crowd airports.
The East End of Long Island is a popular destination for weekday strap hangers and taxi hail-ers. Obviously, city folk need to wet their whistles while on holiday and one particular drinking establishment is called Neptunes.
Neptune’s is a popular hang out for juice monkeys and milk mommas to fist pump and flaunt newly purchased sweater puppets. Chest Melons that resemble the size and shape of the 8th planet from the Sun.
It’s not usually meant to cater to is elderly men fitted in Bob Cousy’s shorts and Pele’s socks…UNTIL NOW THAT IS!
Come to think of it, If I was 97 years old like the man in the picture, I’m going wherever the Milk Mommas are going. HEAVENS TO BETSY!
Subway Etiquette #17: Hogging the AC
When its 103 degrees in the city, and the MTA going through budget cuts slashes the amount of trains, and the amount of trains with working AC’s…Why on earth should you stand directly under the AC and put your arms on both sides of the vents so the air goes directly to you only?
Power move yes, but oh so poor etiquette.
Credit - @DHalioua
Internal Monologue of Gray on Gray Guy In the Morning
What you are about to read is an internal monologue of the guy in the picture before he leaves his apartment in the morning.
Hmmm let’s see what to wear today, what-to-wear. Well, I haven’t wore these shiny gray pants in a while. It’s been like 3 days. So lets just squeeze these bad boys on and work from there. That’s the best way to do it. Pants THEN shirt. Thats how you gotta roll. Especially when you go sterling silver. It shows Strength! Toughness! Resolve! These things hug my balls like mother clutching her baby while riding a roller coaster.
Ok next. SHIRT. Gotta be synonmous with today’s pant selection. Gotta let people know that I mean business today. Wait, what’s this slate number here in the back of my closet? I almost forgot about this gray short sleeve collar peice! This thing is snug, casual, yet classy. Exactly the type of aura I’m trying to portray today. Done. Ok let me put this on.
Man, I’m sharp. Sharp as the tip of a #2 pencil. Same color too actually. One last thing. TUCK or No TUCK? That is the question. A difficult decision indeed. Fuck it. I’m going TUCK and I’m not looking back. Gray on Gray mother fucker! That how it gets fuckin DONE bitches! No regrets, that what I say!
Look at This Travesty - NYC Taxi
Get Your Nails Did.
Will ya.
“That’s what she said” HA!
Literally. That girls friend actually said that in the cab prior to getting out.
What’s happening in this blurry photo is a group of leggy tourists succumbing to their cuticlely challenged urges…in the middle of Union Square…at 1:45am.
And therein lies the question - Why would a girl want to do her nails while standing up on a crowded city street in the wee hours? If you have an answer please leave a comment below.
Snarky responses welcomed and encouraged.
Conversation between Pizza Patron and Wishful Bus Rider - Kips Bay
- Pizza Patron: (to pizza place employee) How 'bout USA team HUH?!?!
- Employee of Pizza Place: Yes, good.
- Pizza Patron: We're gonna STOMP Ghana!
- Employee of Pizza Place: Yes.
- Pizza Patron: We're Gonna STOMP Spain!!
- Employee of Pizza Place: Yes.
- Pizza Patron: We're gonna STOMP Germany!!! (claps loudly) I'll have a Chicken Roll.
- Employee of Pizza Place: (sighs, walks to put roll in oven)
- Wishful Bus Rider: Yes, USA! (high five gesture)
- Pizza Patron: Uh, ok (bumps fist instead)
- Wishful Bus Rider: Hey man, I just got out of the hospital you see (shows hospital bracelet) and I really need to take the bus uptown...do you have any spare change?
- Pizza Patron: Oh I see. Um, I'll tell ya what - I'll give you the change after I buy this chicken roll here.
- Wishful Bus Rider: Yeah yeah ok man I got it. Hey, you ever hear of Blue Diamonds?
- Pizza Patron: Blue whats?
- Wishful Bus Rider: Blue Diamonds, You ever hear of it?
- Pizza Patron: Um no.
- Wishful Bus Rider: Hey Pizza man! Blue Diamonds, You ever hear of it?
- Employee of Pizza Place: (Shakes head no, rolls eyes)
- Wishful Bus Rider: Well check this out! (reveals cheap looking earring with blue gems in it)
- Pizza Patron: Ok great.
- Wishful Bus Rider: What do you think this here is worth?
- Pizza Patron: I dunno, 8 bucks?
- Wishful Bus Rider: 8 bucks! No way, I'd say I'd get 10 or 15 THOUSAND from a pawn shop!
- Pizza Patron: HAHA ok, if that's worth 15 thousand why the HELL you asking me for change buddy?
- Wishful Bus Rider: Do you see any pawn shops around here? Hell no! I need change so I can take the bus uptown to the Pawn Shops and get my 15 thousand!
- Pizza Patron: I suppose that makes sense actually. Here 50 cents buddy. Good luck.
- Wishful Bus Rider: No i don't need luck!
- Pizza Patron: Yes. Yes you do.
Lets Nap On a Periodical Dispenser, Shall We?
I imagine that this NYC gentleman’s day went as follows.
9:04 am - Awoke from drunken slumber and failed late night Tompkins Square Park mugging
9:17 am - Found soiled pair of khakis in garbage can on 2nd and 4th. Kicks over garbage can.
9:20 am - Puts Khakis on while still wearing jeans
9:44 am - Discovers half eaten bagel in garbage. Eats Bagel. Licks fingers.
10:08 am - Grabs fat girls ass, stumbles away briskly with a creepy grin.
10:37 am - Jumps on 2nd avenue V train
10:46 am - Rubs against every female on the train while shaking an empty coffee cup asking for change because He “needs to get enough to go catch the metro north to go home”
11:51 am - Gets off at 23rd street stop to gawk at FIT students.
11:54 am - Purchases 40 ounces of Olde English at convenience store
11:59 am - Belligerently throws empty bottle on corner. Smashing it and frightening an old lady. Laughs.
12:07 am - Kicks over the newspaper dispenser. Decides that its time for a nap.
12:17 am - Douchey website owner takes photo. Giggles.
